Monday, September 14, 2009

Ashamed

I am very ashamed to admit this. But I am going to anyway. It is a matter of purging my soul, if you will :)

I did not know much of what went on in church yesterday morning.

By the evening service I was more alert. I couldn't believe how much I had missed yesterday morning, though. *bows head in shame*

I do not normally have confessions like this to make, because I adore church. I love everything about it. I love hearing other people talk about how much they love God and each other, and I love hearing them pray, and I love making melody in my heart to God. :)

But yesterday, I realized that my Grandma Sams has been gone from this world for two years as of Saturday.

When I realized it, I could not stop crying. I cried all during Bible class (thankfully I did not have to teach!) I cried all through the announcements, through singing, through praying, through our Lord's communion, through the sermon.

I had to get up twice to get tissues. The first time I took Raechel with me and made her use the bathroom. The second time I didn't even make an excuse.

I was finally able to stop crying when I got home.

I feel the need to apologize for this.

Don't ask me why. I don't think I hurt anyone, but I know other people were crying in church yesterday and I felt their pain too, but my pain was just overwhelming at not being able to chit chat with my Grandma!! So selfish.

Anyhow.

Now that I got that off my chest, can I move on, please?

Thank you.

8 comments:

  1. God knows what is on your heart and He understands. Others will too.

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  2. Oh girl I understand. I to cry in church or more like I desperately try to not cry in church, I get embarrassed when I do but I understand about missing a grandparent! My grandpa has been up in heaven for over a year now and hearing a hymn or something will remind me of him and I get all weepy, I wish I could talk to him but know I will see him again one day. If Grandma Sams was the one who made the cakes I always liked her!! She was a special grandma!

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  3. Hugs to you. It is so hard to be left here missing the ones who go before. The separation is awful.

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  4. Ah, so sorry for your pain. I try to remember each day that the sorrow to come is what makes the joy of the present so precious. Praise God you had a Grandma Sams.

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  5. You have no need to feel ashamed at all. I heard a statement something like this: "You can't take the pain out of death unless you take the love out of life".

    You should rejoice in knowing how much you loved her!!!! and you WILL see her again. That's the greatest hope and joy of all.

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  6. Thank you everyone for your sweet comments and hugs.



    I am feeling better :) I will always miss my loved ones, but I am so glad to know that I will see Grandma Sams again someday!! :)

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  7. That's why you were crying! I wish I had asked why. I think I thought I knew why... not sure. Now I feel bad. I still miss her too. I don't think we ever get used to them being gone. You were so blessed to have had her. LC

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