Friday, June 08, 2007

A Highly Emotional Post

Just thought I would give you fair warning. It is not only Highly Emotional, but also Extremely Long and Boring.

I am sure my Grandma's situation, and my not feeling very well for so long have something to do with this.

Well to get to my Highly Emotional State:

I homeschooled Kela this year, you know. I have to wait until AUGUST to see how her test results come back! It is terrible. I am SO WORRIED that she did rotten and she will fail 6th grade. And if she does it will all be because of me. As my dad is so nice to remind me every time we talk about it. Cause you know, I am her teacher, and they aren't testing HER, they are testing what she was taught ... by ME. Yes. I agree with that! But also that makes me WORRY, because I have issues! I am and always have been very insecure about myself.

But Kela really has me worried about this, because she said that the Math and Reading were a cakewalk (not an exact quote, but basically they did not bother her.)... but she thinks she failed the Science and Social Studies parts.

Now I am not sure if this is just her (inherited, no doubt) insecurities getting the best of her, or if she really has a reason to worry. But she said nothing we studied this year was on that test. Now, I looked through the public school Objectives and Goals stuff. My cousin who was the girls' third grade teacher printed them out for me. And I thought it seemed like we covered most of what was in those Objectives!!!!

So I don't know if I have something to worry about or not. This is driving me insane. (Not a far trip, really)

Especially because we are planning to go ahead and homeschool all three girls next year. Got their curricula already and everything!

And now I am so worried about homeschooling all the girls next year. I feel so inadequate.

I am not structured like most people like to be. I have my own opinions on structure, but most people do not share them. It is not that I am not structured or scheduled at all. I am. Loosely. I see it like this:

Monday we should try to do such and such.
Tuesday we should try to do such and such something else. If we didn't get to Monday's work, then we can finish it up on Tuesday.
Wednesday, we can take a break, cuz Tuesday was a bit rough with all that trying to catch up business.
Thursday we should do such and such more. But if we never got Monday's and Tuesday's work done we can do it Thursday.
Friday we should really catch up with all the work we never finished this week.

But if we don't there is always next week.... ;)

The thing is, though: Every week is not like that. After a couple of weeks like that I am usually gung ho ripping right through our work like a mad woman!

Kela doesn't/didn't seem to mind her nutso mama's mad methods. Although, she usually got HER work done as long as I promised she could do something fun if she finished in time.. :-p

But I am worried about that. I actually realize I have got to buckle down more often to do a better job. But there is a huge part of me that is afraid I don't have it in me :( Then there is a part of me that gets defensive and says "Hey, I am not so bad." I get things done. I really do. And I am a pretty low stress person.

But then (and here is another Highly Emotional thing) last time we homeschooled, I lost my nerve. I felt like I was in a tunnel. An always home alone with the kids, never feeling good about what I was doing tunnel. It seems like I could just not see a happy end to my tunnel I was in. About that time Kevin and I started having some (normal, but still very difficult) marital distresses.

Well, I decided to put my kids in school and go back to school myself. (This is VERY Highly Emotional for me) I never wanted to put my kids in school, but it looked like the only thing I could do at the time. I felt that I had zero support. Zero people telling me that I was doing a good thing staying home and teaching my kids to read and stuff. And I felt alone. I knew I would have people to talk with at school. And I have always enjoyed learning. I took Speech 111 and Trigonometry. I did really well in Speech, which was so surprising to me, because I am so not into talking in front of people. I can talk IN a crowd, but not TO a crowd!! haha I aced Trig, and loved every minute of it.

But. OH. THE. GUILT. I hated HATED taking Faith (who was 3 at the time) to the college daycare. I am a mama. I am a mama who likes to be with her babies. It was so hard.

I cried EVERY DAY FOR 3 MONTHS after I dropped my other two girls (in 3rd and 1st grades) off to school. Ask my aunt. I would call her bawling.

This is really hard to even think about for me.

It was not a good time. But it took me three more years and another baby to feel like myself again!

So I decided to test the homeschooling waters out by homeschooling Kela again. Of course, everyone (teachers, principal, other parents) in the school were just agitated to pieces that I decided to homeschool again. Apparently they thought I'd come to my senses when I put the girls in school :-p

I am really feeling like I CAN DO THIS!

But I am afraid that I will not have support again. I know I cannot do it by myself. I mean do it ALL by myself: Teach the kids and Support myself. I am lousy at keeping myself afloat and feeling worthy of even having these kids! I am just NOT good at that. At all.

But it seems like nobody close to me is either. Kevin is not much of a talker. He is a normal guy and does not think to commend my EVERY action! My parents, who are also my neighbors, are great, they think it is wonderful that I want to homeschool. But they think I am so bad at it because I do not do it the way THEY would do it. They are Very Structured People.

SO. There you have it. I need support. Otherwise my poor kids will be so confused they won't know if they are going or coming!!!

Thank you for allowing me the vent. Even if you didn't read it all! ;)


  1. Lawanda, be encouraged! I will pray for those test results to be what you want, but in the meantime, don't worry. Your girls are blessed to have a mom who wants them at home with her and wants to teach them.

  2. Lawanda: Those exact fears are what have been keeping me from homeschooling. I'm really talking to my Kevin about hs'ing next year. Basically he has said that I won't be able to do it. Thanks for the support. Anyways I'm always if you need an ear. And maybe (hopefully) next year we will both be homeschooling.

  3. STOP ! Take a deep breath...

    Don't worry so much till you actually HAVE something to worry about. I am sure you've done a GREAT job, and the main thing is that you TRIED (which is more than many do). If worst comes to worst and Kela doesn't do as well as you'd like, THEN you do what you need to do to get her through. It will be ok. She's a smart girl and you're a brilliant momma !


  4. You can do this! Really, you can.

    I know what you mean about feeling like the test is about you. This was the Princess' first year to be tested (fourth year HSed) and I am eager to see how I weigh in. ;) I hope I don't get blindsided.